Let's Vending Machine!

Wednesday 28th January 1998

Ooops | Porn | Vending Machines | Competition | Japlish

Ooops.

It would appear that maybe I didn't actually send Tokyo Tales #1 to everyone (or indeed anyone) that I should have. Doh.

So, as this is now probably the only mailing list in the eastern hemisphere to have started with installment number 2, let me add another first:

The first (and I'll be amazed if it isn't the only) mailing list in the hemisphere to use two calendars; this is accordingly episode 2 AR, (actually received) and yet also episode 3 ACBNMBTLAIAF (actually composed but not mailed because the list administrator is a fool) - or just AC for short.

Heaven knows what it is under the Gregorian calendar; updates to follow as I work them out.

So I think I talked about clubbing last time, and ended on a quick mention of weird Japanese blokes. They've got some quite strange, or perhaps just "uniquely Japanese", ideas about sexuality here. I see guys on the train reading cartoon porn - chains, torture, the usual - quite openly. Sometimes you sit with a guy straphanging infront of you, with the book or comic's pages folded over towards you - Guys; think you might enjoy having a bit of domination-fantasy pornography thrust in your face, free of charge? Maybe? Girls? You too? Maybe not, huh?

Like it or loathe it, that's what happens. Porngraphy is everywhere here; titles like "Girl-Doll-Toy" flood the best-selling computer software charts. One guide book I've read maintains that although there is so much of a market for these fantasy titles, that is all it is - fantasy. I guess this is borne out by the level, or lack of level, of serious offences; groping is apparently as far as it goes.

But I'd hate you to think that groping was the most exciting thing that goes on here.

Actually, it's shopping.

The consumer really is king in Tokyo. I understand that the Japanese Emperor isn't too happy about this - apparently a flashing neon throne is being installed above the palace gates sometime next year in a bid to redress the balance.

Question: what do:

Cold soft drinks
Hot canned coffee
Beer
Cardboard cartons of sake
Ciggies
Eggs
New underwear
Used underwear
Baskets of freshly-arranged flowers
and Nuclear submarines

have in common?

Answer: You can buy all of these things from vending machines. Except the last one. I lied about that one, but just because I haven't found them yet doesn't mean they don't exist, okay?

I still have no idea how they cope with the hot cans of coffee. They must just cook the cans, I suppose (unless they're already hot when loaded into the machine?) and then keep them warm until needed - but surely you can't heat a sealed can without heating and expanding the little pocket of air inside it, damaging the can in the process? Any engineers out there; I'd love an answer to that one.

And do you know the best bit? The coffee's great! I mean, you'd assume it was going to be crap, wouldn't you? I know the sake you can buy in cardboard cartons (you know, with straws, like Ribena) certainly is shite, but this stuff is surprisingly drinkable.

My next task is to find one of the ones selling pre-owned knickers. Apparently you get a photo of the schoolgirl who used to own them; or maybe this is what has happened to the lost underwear that I mentioned last time....

And before you ask; no, the eggs *don't* drop vertically all the way to the bottom of the machine like a coke can does. They come in baskets, alright? Come on - be sensible.

Competition!

And those are just the vending machines. I'm going to run a small sweepstake here; no cost to enter, and the closest guess wins... something. I haven't decided yet, but I'm sure it'll be appropriately consumerist and tacky.

The question is: "How many floors does the Ikebukuro branch of the Tobu department store have?"

Just reply-mail me; the only text you need is your answer, although obviously I'd love to hear from all of you.

Japlish du Jour

(As seen on a sports bag on a train home one night:)

mistral
PANTHER LIVES
The challengers
who are sensitive
and daring jostle
in silver World.
Their eyes have
glitter With passion.
It's just
snow jungle.

(There was actually a strap obscuring part of it initially, but I was so curious that I actually asked the woman holding the bag if she minded my moving it so I could read it all [using fluent sign-language rather than Japanese, you understand]. She didn't seem at all perturbed by this - in fact I'd say she was quite proud of it, and rightly so; it's a masterpiece. Be it the image of sensitive, jostling challengers, or even just the apparent belief that a "w" is always capitalised when beginning a word, this is one that I will treasure in years to come.

But remember, kids - "it's just snow jungle" out there.)

Sayonara

Chris

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