The Economics of Soviet Navy Generals

Sunday 26th April 1998

Whigfield | Roadworks | URLs | Fridge Update | Competition | Japlish

Here comes the sun, little darling, here comes the sun, and I say "It's alright" (da du-du-du du-du-du dah-du-du-du du-du-du-duhhh) or however it goes. Currently 29 degrees! C! Which probably stands for "Cor!" or something similarly exuberant. It's a good thing I don't have a barometer to hand, or I'd be able to tell you that it was also about 75% humidity. I'm inside, I'm airconditioned, I'm sweating. It must be the excitement of writing to all of you lovely people! I love you all!

Unless you owe me money.

Saturday night

"....and the air is getting hot..... be my baby" - I'd better stop there, so "sorry" to all you Whigfield fans out there; you'll have to go and check out her website:

http://www.whigfield.cr.ap/painful/banality

for your weekly fix.

We went clubbing at the weekend, and a great time was had by all. To get some idea of how good the night was, the first drink I bought was a pint of Guiness in an Irish theme bar, for the princely sum of 1000 yen. That's just less than a fiver. Yes, I spent a fiver on a pint of strange-tasting black liquid, and still had an fabulous night out. But everybody knows what clubbing is like, so there's nothing particularly interesting to add there.

What *was* interesting was the roadworks and construction workers we saw on the way to (and indeed from, at 5:30am) the club. (Hey - come back!) There's a big thing here about how ridiculously over-employed the country is. There was a very good article in the Independent about this a couple of weeks ago - department stores employ legions of assistants to arrange patrons' bicycles more neatly when they park outside the shop. They can be seen walking up and down, dressed in impeccable and ornate uniforms, resembling Soviet Navy Admirals, adjusting bikes. The same is true for the cars; three or four employees with whistles and flashing lights (and impressive uniforms) per car park entrance or exit. They stop pedestrians from getting run over, you see. Anyone who has lived in a developed country which isn't Japan will tell you of the terrible numbers of pedestrians run over every day as cars exit underground car parks; like lemmings, they are. I myself was run over some two or three hundred times in the UK in 1997 - but not once since I came here. I have these people to thank.

It's the same story at barbershops, at petrol stations, in department stores, wherever. And roadworks. Why have a set of portable traffic lights when you can have a team of three people with flashing lightsabres to tell cars not to drive into cars coming the other way? The cynic would say it's because you can't pay a set of lights by the hour, thereby giving the economy a rosy circulatory glow. I am that cynic.

What we saw on Saturday night, however, marked an attempt to move away from all that - an automated sign in the road telling drivers to slow down for an uneven road surface. Good, you cry, a sensible approach. Uh, sort of... you see, it was in the shape of a man..... actually it was a mannequin, wearing a Soviet Navy Admiral uniform, with an automated arm holding a lightsabre, moving up and down. A sort of compromise, which I suppose should be applauded... were it not for the fact that there was a carbon-based, human traffic marshall watching it. Not directing traffic, but watching this thing direct traffic. Making sure it didn't get stolen, or complain to its union, perhaps.

So, nice try, guys, but I don't think they've quite got it, do you?

URLs

Just two or three for you this week; check out the following for insomnia relief:

Museum of dirt website - a searchable database of several thousand pictures of dirt. Browse it by category, colour, texture, region, unusual contents and a host of other exciting features.

Travel sickness bags - a gallery of air sickness bags from around the world. Especially interesting for the unashamedly comprehensive polyglot dictionary of vomitting terms, such as the Finnish phrase "puhua norjaa", lit. "to speak Norwegian).

And if all that isn't enough for you, check out the Rhubarb Compendium - everything your parents never dared tell you about rhubarb. Unfortunately limited only to information on the vegetable, not the goofy children's cartoon with the excellent wonky theme tune. Notable for sections such as "Rhubarb Nutritional Information" and "How toxic is rhubarb?"

And people claim that the internet's capacity for global information is being somehow squandered? The blind fools.

Fridge Update

It's probably still where I left it. Unless the cockroaches have removed it without my realising.

Competition

Even though I set no question last time, two of you responded to the challenge and gave me the answer anyway. The two answers received were:

42 - from Alex, aged 9 and a half, from Colchester

Linda McCartney - from Mark, aged 10 and a quarter, from Durham

These are both actually correct, so congratulations to you both. You'll both be receiving Blue Peter badges in the next couple of weeks. Assuming of course that you've written to the BBC and asked for them - I'm certainly not going to be able to get hold of them over here, am I?

Japlish du Jour

(no prizes for guessing it's from another student's pencilcase:)

SON GOKOU
It had passed for 5 years since the awful and terrible battle of Tenkaichi-Budoukai...
The world had acquired the extreme peace.
SAIYAN . SUPER SAIYAN
VEGETA PICCOLO
Obviously Gokou and Chichi of his dearest wife had given a birth to the son named Songohan befor 5 years and it had received a call from the calm and peaceful daily life. Such peace was fragilely gone to pieces due to the sudden appearance of "the myself man, Raditz" who had a strong tail.

(So, look out for any men who look like themselves and have anything resembling a powerful lower dorsal appendage - they may cause your peace to go fragilely to pieces. You have been warned.)

Chris

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