Twas The Night Before Christmas

Sunday 27th December 1998

Not Climbing Mt.Fuji | Not Going To Bali | Not Emailing People | Japanese | People | Clubs | Pool | Japlish

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Mind you, my grandmother used to tell me that drinking the water left over from boiling Brussel Sprouts would make me grow big and tall. I don't call 5ft 9 tall. So possibly all you guys out there, rather than having your hearts grow fonder, couldn't care less if you never got another Tokyo Tales ever, so long have I been away. But I'm going to take a chance, make like a turkey on the 23rd of December, stick my virtual neck out, and let you guys know what's been going on. First of all, some things I haven't been doing:

Not climbing Mount Fuji

It's freezing outside - are you mental?

Not going to Bali for Christmas

Bastard travel agents. I was under the impression that one could just turn up and buy a ticket to a holiday destination. But apparently not. Instead they put me on a "waiting list", where I patiently waited for over a month, until there were less than 3 weeks to go until my flight. Then, after I swore blind to them that the information was important to me, I was told I could go, but might not be able to come back. Well that's a great help. So I decided not to go.

There were other reasons, though:

The guy I was going with dropped out. I could have gone on my own, but no-one likes drinking alone. Except perhaps Oliver Reed.

I would have needed to get lots of injections. Needles I don't mind so much. Trying to find somewhere where it would have cost less than 50 quid a pop I do mind.

I'd be kidding myself if I said I actually liked sand. It gets places. Like between your toes. And in your wiches.

Bali! Idyllic island paradise? Or the Australian Costa del Sol? You be the judge, because I'm in no hurry.

The company I work for changed my insurance policy to exclude travel insurance two months before the flight.

The exchange rate from dollar to rupiah worsened by 30% over the course of a week last month. This means a beer would have been 40p, rather than 30p. No need to waste money on overpriced nonsense, I'm sure you'll agree.

A warm Christmas, enjoying myself? Scuba diving? Come on; Christmas is traditionally spent feeling cold, mildly dissatisfied with the whole affair, and waiting for the next Bond film to come on TV. It would have been too much.

I found out at nearly the last minute that I needed to have at least 6 months clear on my passport before going to Indonesia. How long did I have? 5 and a half months. Bastards. I did actually go to the bother of renewing it, but in any case it all added to the angst, stress, general hassle and overall feeling that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't worth the trouble.

Riots in Indonesia. Students in Jakarta have just realised that the new president is, surprise surprise, almost as bad as the last one. They're a little dischuffed by this. Unlikely, I admit, that they'd choose to come on holiday to Bali before setting fire to things and being provoked by the military, but the threat of nation-wide martial law is the threat of nation-wide martial law, and I have no desire to see it up close and impersonal.

I would have been going without my newly-acquired girlfriend. She said she didn't mind, but maybe I did.

Well, you can't drink the water, can you, and they're all foreign, aren't they, and they speak funny, don't they.

Not emailing people

I'm just a bit lazy, that's all. Being busy doesn't help, I admit, but I know it's mainly my fault. Apologies.

And now for the things I *have* been doing...

Studying Japanese

Did the level four test the other day. Think it went okay. Even if I just failed it, that's not going to stop me taking the next one next year (if I'm in the country) so I've started preparation already. It takes them two and a half months to feed all the papers through their computer and decide whether or not they can tell me my score. Why?

It was a fairly humourless affair, even if you factor out the fact that I felt as rough as a sandpaper bear's butt, having had literally literally no sleep the night before. This was due to someone who will remain nameless (but should respond if you shout "Oi, Chris Farren" at them) accompanying me on an alcohol, Chinese food, Playstation and pool session the night and indeed morning before. Great night. Shame about the morning. Vodka, pancakes and coffee do not mix well with Japanese intransitive/passive verbs - so don't do it, kids.

Before each part of the test (three times!) they actually walked around with little flashcards fashioned from one of the many photographs we had each posted off as part of the application process, checking that we were each who we claimed to be. Grief, what with the strange green colour of my face, I'm surprised they didn't eject me there and then. Then again, I am a registered "alien", so maybe they weren't too fazed,

The one highlight, though, apart from when it ended, was the final listening comprehension tapescript. A man is outside the women's toilets at a train station. The mens are out of order. He needs to go - you can tell from the tone of his voice - I guess some things are universal. He asks where the nearest toilets are. She suggests some in the library two blocks from the station. Too far, he says. Then how about the ones on the fourth floor of the department store opposite, she offers? They are, she informs him (and I am pretty damn sure about this bit, because I was fascinated by this point) very pretty and clean, with a view of the park. Oh good. Still too far. So, excusing himself, he lets himself into the ladies! Brilliant! How we chuckled very quietly under our breaths for fear the invigilators would hear us. A nice touch, I thought.

Meeting really nice people

Like my girlfriend. She's great. She's British, she works for the same company as I do, likes Antonio Banderas (but hasn't bought a Forester yet), speaks pretty good Japanese, knows all the members of SMAP, and wishes I would spend less time using this damn computer. So there you go.

Going to ace clubs

Those of you who have heard of Liquid Room, Club Asia, LTJ Bukem or Death in Vegas should feel very jealous right about now.

Those of you who haven't heard of any of them have permission to feel not only jealous, but also slightly worried that you aren't quite as cool as some of the other people on this mailing list.

Playing lots of pool

In a 24-hour (that's right) pool hall on the fourth floor of an eight-storey leisure complex with about two-dozen tables, bow-tie-sporting waiters, walls manufactured out of fake boulders and wrought iron gates. I'm in Tokyo, remember?

Japlish du Jour

(From a rucksack - like you couldn't have guessed)

I like to watch the seasons change.
It's a precious feeling, like having
a rucksack on your back.

(Eh? How, exactly? And no, putting a small picture of a cute bunny rabbit next to the text doesn't make it any more convincing.)

That was Tokyo Tales number 24! Next is Tokyo Tales number 25! Guaranteed probably sooner than you're expecting! Maybe!

Merry Christmas to all of you who give a rat's posterior!

Happy New Year to all of you, even those who don't!

Chris

[tales / previous / next / top / index]