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The Opium Of The Masses....?
Tuesday 3rd March 1998
Japanese TV | Adverts
| J-Pop | Fridge Update
| Japlish
Hello;
In my quest for an internet cafe which is both cheap AND open
on my days off, I am currently sat in a very aggressively-cool
place in Harajuku, where no-one is allowed to smile, in case someone
sees you and thinks you're not taking this being-cool thing quite
seriously enough. The long and short of this is that this week
time is money again so there will be no further ado. I've said
too much already.
Japanese TV
is hilariously awful. There's so much of it, you would have
thought there might be something worth watching on at SOME time
of the day, but it would appear not.
English language lessons on topical subjects? Scottish Devolution,
anybody? With an American-English accent? ("Let's go now to Edinbuhroh...")
Or perhaps you'd like to practice your French?
"Qu'est-ce que tu vas faire co soir?"
"Je vais faire des... [pause to mime pancake-flipping motion]
crepes."
"Tu sais faire des crepes?"
"Non. Mais je vais apprendre."
"Oh! Ca promette!"
Thank you Julie and Jean-Paul...
And as for this programme on channel 11... well, it's 1:05am
and this show seems to consist of 4 girls in bikinis being filmed,
or screen tested for maybe, whilst the director gets to run around
with a hand-held camcorder, sticking it right up the girls' arses
and down their cleavages. The girls, meanwhile, are focusing on
the main camera and don't notice this twat until he does something
like reach out and un-knot their bikini-strings, or just have
a quick stroke. (We get "Handycam action replays" of these highlights,
by the way.) One of them then "wins". Great, good for her. What
does she get? Groped, I think.
Adverts
The top one so far: A fat bloke in a general's uniform, standing
in the middle of a futuristic battlefield, shouting something
through a loudhailer. A flying saucer floats on-screen and vaporises
the guy, a la "Mars Attacks", flesh-first, skeleton-last. Cut
to... a bowl of noodles, then a picture of the Earth, which is
subsequently destroyed when head-butted from behind by a very
fat bloke wearing warpaint. It's an advert for some form of pot-noodle
meal, then. Obviously. I don't know why I even mentioned it.
J-Pop
The music is fairly rubbish too; I don't want to give the impression
that I'm just rubbishing the Japanese pop-cultural output indiscriminately
- but I guess that's what I'm doing. Mind you, having caught a
glimpse of the UK chart during a late-night show last week, it
would appear that we just have the same pap back home, simply
produced by a more ethnically-diverse range of artists. Come on,
own up - which of you stupid buggers bought "Gettin' Jiggy Wit'
it"?
Best band names so far:
* Blankey Jet City
* Fish & Chips (their video shows the pair of them, heart-throb
tenn idols that they are, working at a gardening centre. Rock'n'Roll
enough for you?)
* Malice Miser (think Adam & The Ants, minus any trace of irony)
* The Yellow Monkey (Pearl Jam - yet strangely worse)
* Speed (not in itself a great name, but it took me longer than
it should have to work out what one of my 11-yr-old students meant
when she told me she liked speed)
* Swinging Popsicle ('Nuff said.)
And my personal favorite:
* Hide with Spread Beaver (Just what kind of beaver are we talking
about, here?)
You heard it here first...
Fridge Update
Went a bit crazy at the 7-11 immediately after finding the Visa
cashpoint...
* Grapes-in-jelly-thing.
* Litre of fresh orange juice
* Litre of milk
* Tub of "I suspect it may in fact be butter"
* Two cans of Coke
* Loaf of bread (3 slices remaining)
* Pack of ham (9 slices)
* Two tins of "Fruit Pieces"
* An orange.
* Small tub of ice-cream. This was left in the freezer compartment
as part of a controlled experiment, which appears to have inadvertantly
created some kind of dairy monster. With cookie bits in it. I'm
researching the latest proposed laws on cloning to find out if
I'm allowed to throw it away or not.
The "adult food" invasion will not last. The milk and orange
should be gone within days following a malicious whisper campaign
instigated by the Cokes. Stay tuned.
Japlish du Jour
(a fortune cookie received by a friend in Asakusa:)
No.21 Good Fortune
Washing off all bad things in the past, now everything
is clear and clean. The brilliant light and glorious flower came
out clean again being washed so well. What you desire will finally
gets profit, which means everything around you comes out quite
well. Time passing by, everything turns out to be better, just
like the sun shines all day long.
Regards;
Chris
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