How Leo Got His Pants Back

Sunday 24th May 1998

Leonardo DiCaprio | Me | Website Action | Just A Thought | Something you don't see every day | Fridge Update | Japlish

Wooo, somebody stop me. It's a bit late for that, actually; what I wanted was somebody to stop me last night at the karaoke bar *before* I sang "Roxanne". You know the one. By the Police. Call the police, more like. Kinda screechy, isn't it? Shouldn't take much in the way of vocal competence, eh? Er, wrong. Don't ever do it. Dont. Ever. Do it. If I can at least stop someone out there making the same mistake as me, then maybe it wasn't all for the bad. I thank you.

Leonardo DiCaprio Adverts

You gotta get it. You just gotta get Japanese TV. Find a cable company who can supply NHK or TV Tokyo, and get it. You will no longer harbour any secret suspicions that you might in fact be the stupidest person on the planet. It works, trust me.

The bestest bestest favourite advert in the whole world ever (this week, anyway) stars Leonardo DiCaprio. It's not that one where someone's pinched his pants, although there's been a follow-up advert to that which makes things a lot clearer. In this one, though, he's advertising a brand of mini-car. Here we go:

Open on a shot of Leo hunched excitedly over the wheel of some tiny Grand-Move-style car. He says: "Go super compact!" or something like that anyway. He really sounds like he means it, too. Boy, can he act. It's a little bit Power-Ranger, actually (Go Dinosaur Power! Go Zebra Power! Go Chinchilla Power! Go Stick Your Head In An Oven!), especially 'cos he's wearing some kind of plastic and leather black spacesuit.

He bombs along in the car, and drives past two good-looking caucasian women on the pavement. He screeches to a halt, and sticks his head out of the window.

He points at one, and says "Shiro"

He points at the other, and says "Ichigo"

He winks boyishly, and speeds off. The girls look somewhat nonplussed. Definitelyminused, if you like. This is perhaps not terribly surprising given what my dictionary tells me "shiro" and "ichigo" mean: "castle" and "strawberry" respectively.

You know, sometimes I worry that this supply of weirdness will just dry up, that I'll have to start trying to invent this stuff..... and then something like this comes along to restore my faith. I'm sure I've just missed something, and really it's all perfectly sane. Really, I am.

He also winks in the follow-up ad to the pants one, although this time it's more a sort of "I'm in the know" wink to a waiter as he pays for the damage he's just caused to a restaurant where he's just arrested some nasty mob-type person with his Orico credit card. By that I mean that he both pays with the card *and* arrests the guy with it - he flicks it across the room to hit the baddy in the forehead and immobilise him. Maybe he's the one who stole the pants. I'm still unclear.

So, as you can see, plenty of acting coming from our Leo. Two types of wink so far, with WHO KNOWS how many more still to come. I can barely contain myself. It's difficult finding tupperware big enough, even in Tokyo.

Me

A frequent criticism is that I don't actually tell you guys enough about what I'm actually up to over here - there's a very good reason for this: it's fairly tedious. I enjoy my work, but then come home and fall asleep. That's it, really, bar the odd cataclysmic night out once in a while (like last night). The weather is quite nasty; humid and grey. There's nothing interesting about to happen. I go to the gym. Sometimes I make it to a fencing session. I'm taking Japanese lessons. They're quite useful. The people here are rather short and often very rude. See? Wouldn't you rather read about Leonardo DiCaprio? I thought so - you sad puppies, you.

Website Action

That's right! I've gone and done it! I've stuck all this crapola on the web, so now you can browse your favourite back-issues of Tokyo Tales - in colour! With all the URLs I've mentioned as suspiciously-convenient links! And a host of other features!

It's not actually finished yet. But you should have a look anyway, just because I'm trying to get the hits counter over three figures. Your help appreciated.

Just a thought

The hamburger chain "Wendy's" has the following motto:

"Quality is our recipe"

Um, yes, that's all very well, but how does that guarantee you'll get a hamburger? What's to stop you ending up with a really nice car, or maybe a good book, instead? Surely a better recipe would be something involving meat, or those bap things. Or even some lettuce.

Something you don't see every day

Think of the piece of music least likely to be used as a pumping soundtrack for an aerobics class. Correct; it's that very sombre, haunted house organ piece that goes "Duh-duh-duhh... du-du-du-du-duh-duhhh" and then repeats, down an octave or twenty, a couple of times. Take it, synth it, speed it up, bung in a massive beat, turn up the volume and add fifty mad Japanese housewives in bad lycra. There you have the 11am sunday workout class at my gym - and you're welcome to it.

Fridge Update

I'm not sure this is actually funny any more. Some of you are probably just too polite to say that it never was in the first place. I hear you anyway.

Japlish du Jour

(from an envelope. Just an envelope. You know, for sending letters and stuff. That's it. So, obviously, it needs the following on it, doesn't it?)

A Good Day Is
Expected To Begin!

A with individuality
and nonchalantly
with sensibility for!

the throbbing heart
lingerling idea?

unintentionaly with individuality
and nonchalantly
with sensibility for you

(Stands to reason, no?)

Good luck with those exams, to those of you who haven't escaped yet. To those that have - it's great out here, isn't it?

Bye now;

Chris

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